It’s Only a Manner of Time…

July 20, 2012July 20, 2012Leave a comment

I’ve spent some time thinking about the whole Boy Scouts and Chick Fil a thing. I saw someone in my life publicly support their stand against gays on FaceBook today. They absolutely have the right as private groups to set their own rules as much as I disagree with them. But. I think it’s good that companies and organizations that subscribe to these narrow, demeaning and separating beliefs are being brought out into the spotlight to show the true nature. Love will always win out. I don’t have to worry about a single thing. I have faith. And as a Boy Scout growing up it was some of my favorite times. My mother was a DenMom and made thousands of cupcakes and snacks to support me. And I so desperately wanted to be like other boys without the drama of being a kid. And there, in my little group, I was. Anything was possible. They never spoke of anything other than love and being an outstanding citizen. And even when I told my Scout Master that I felt different than other boys, he built me up and told me I was ok. It had to be difficult for him since I was the first he’d probably ever had to deal with. I’ll never forget my experience there. And even though i can never give back by being a leader there because of who I am privately I think I’d make a great Scout Master. And I know this phase of growth for them seems difficult and hateful. But it’s where they are and they need to go through it and we have to be understanding that just like the exclusive use of clubs, restaurants, water fountains and restrooms were once commonplace for blacks and Jews, this too shall pass. It’s only a matter of time. And love will win. I have no doubt about this at all.

The last thing I’ll say is that I saw someone close to me “like”a thing on Facebook supporting the Boy Scouts decision to ban gays. My heart jumped and I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time…the feeling of being wrong and sick and lost. I haven’t felt that way for a while. I don’t blame him. It’s not his fault. I had hoped that by knowing me as a grown, successful, caring, loving man that it would somehow change the perceptions of gays. Maybe I realized how much more work there is to do. But I sat there for a few minutes not saying anything and felt empty.

Love will win. Even when it’s not won yet, it will. I am confident enough to tolerate the pain until then. So go ahead Boy Scouts. Go ahead Chick Fil A. The times are changing and love will win. It is only a matter of time.

Time for an update…

July 14, 2012Leave a comment

Nobody said it would be easy, and I sort of new that going into things. But this whole being fit thing is one hell of an adventure. My weight has gone up and down and all around but mostly steadied out over time. My current weight is 233 and I’ve been pretty happy with my results overall. I’ve MOSTLY had to deal with my thoughts about how I’m doing or not doing. Just when I think nothing is working I lose an extra pound or I start to feel better about myself. The mind is a tricky bitch to manage so I’ve mostly just tried to not sabotage it all based on some loser thoughts that inhabit my brain.

Last week I felt like I sprained my ankle. I came home from a festival and my ankle was swollen and felt crummy. I waited for it to go down on it’s own but it didn’t really do that. I went to the doctor and they agreed that I had sprained something. They told me there’s nothing I can do but keep it wrapped, put less strain on it and keep it elevated. This was such bullshit…I thought to myself! How in the hell do I start exercising and just start to get my body working only to suffer from a dumb thing like a sprained ankle? But, as with all things, it turned out fine. I took a week to relax and really let my ankle and leg recover completely. It worked…I’m back up and doing what I do best. (By the way, the toenail is black because I painted it that way…long story but ask me about it if you really wanna know.)

I’ll keep you posted on how things are moving…and they are. I’ve been feeling great and though I struggle daily with my thoughts about failure and eating right, I’ve found a blog that I love reading and listening to. His blog post on willpower is so cool that I’m posting a link here to get you to read it. Dean Dwyer is my new hero. It’s like he’s telling my story about his health and well-being. You can read his blog post about willpower by clicking here.

Thanks for catching up with me and don’t forget to read Dean’s Blog! Thanks!

240 and holding…

June 17, 2012July 14, 2012Leave a comment

I learned a couple of things about myself and my body this week. First off, I quit the fitness challenge that I had started a couple of weeks ago. I felt like such a failure. There were a lot of things that weren’t working about it. I was frustrated at my lack of results, annoyed that I was confused about what the problem was, and suffering a loss of confidence in what I wanted to accomplish. Before this challenge and before I started the training at the gym, I didn’t really care about my weight. I liked the way I looked and I was comfortable in my own skin. I had JUST gotten comfortable declaring I was a Bear. (For those not in the know…a Bear is a gay man who is larger than the average bear, moderately to severely hairy, and overall a man’s man.) I was a Bear and I was proud to be one…grrr.

But then I started losing weight. All of a sudden I was looking better and feeling better about myself. It’s not that I wasn’t already feeling that way, it’s just it was a new feeling…something I hadn’t felt in a long time…attractive. I know it’s silly to say this because I do know I’m not an ugly man, but feeling attractive was a whole other experience. And, in the past, feeling attractive was dangerous. It meant I would be tempted by other attractive men, or men who were attracted to me. It meant having feelings. I hate that. Feelings really mess me up because often I don’t know WHAT the feeling is I’m feeling…it’s like I’m so dumb in that area of life!

So here I am at 240lbs for the second week in a row. I’ve quit the fitness challenge and, thought I’m upset about that, I feel somewhat confident that this lifestyle change would stick…finally! I discovered that the recipes on the challenge were a little more complicated than what I was expecting. So I stuck with the couple that I, or my partner, could prepare. I was drinking a peach smoothie in the morning (chock full of flax), Chicken Salad with 4 cups of mixed greens, Wasa crackers for snacks and Sloppy Joes made with turkey and non-salt tomato sauce. No problems…I love all of these things. But I was totally STUFFED AND STOPPED UP. I’d sit on the toilet for 20 minutes at a time and nothing! Occasionally I’d have a bowel movement, but for the most part I was carrying it all around with me all week. (I know this is gross…but I need to share so that everyone who’s ever had to deal with this or is dealing with it understands all of this!)

After I quit, I ate some stuff off the plan and my stomach got a little upset. In no time at all, I was already feeling lighter…if you get my drift. I had already been drinking a lot of water, so drinking an espresso was a shock to my body. It turned out to be a good shock. Just for shits and giggles (kidding) I thought I’d weigh myself. 237 pounds. What the hell? All this time I had unknowingly been constipated. My body was trying to tell me something…but I wasn’t listening. Not listening to my body isn’t a new development. I’ve been ‘not listening’ for a long time and I have mucho experience with it! But this time felt different…I actually wanted to hear what it was trying to tell me. That was a major development!

While talking to my trainer, he was asking me about my heart rate while exercising. Surely my heart rate was high enough…I was walking 14-15 minute miles around Memorial Park nearly every day. I must be doing something right! I was out there exercising! Surely that must count for SOMETHING!! So I went and bought a heart rate monitor that straps across the chest with a watch. After 30 minutes of walking briskly, I looked at my heart rate and it wasn’t going over 107-109. I didn’t understand it. I was soaking wet when coming home after these walks…I was exhausted. But, I wasn’t near the heart rate I needed to be at to lose anymore weight. The only way I’m going to get there is to jog/run. I’m seriously scared to run again. In the past I was actually really good at it. I had fantastic results when I was running many years ago and I felt great. I don’t know why I’m afraid. I just feel it. It may not be fear…maybe it’s something else?

So now I’m here on Sunday and I’m at 240 still. I now know that I’m going to have to ramp up my cardio if I’m going to move past this plateau. I’ve got the nutrition in place. I’ve got the working out in place. I’ve got support from awesome friends and family. I think I can do this. I’ll keep you posted this week on FaceBook as I take on this new level of my development. I may need some help in getting started so if you have any recommendations and/or encouragement. Mostly I need those two things and at different times. Sometimes the recommendations work. Sometimes the encouragement does the trick. Sometimes just telling me I look hot will work! Thank you for everything and for your support and love! Here’s to another week!

240 and counting…

June 2, 20124 Comments

I stopped caring about my weight in 2001. I remember running the day before 9/11. I think I even remember running through the Montrose area the day after and remember looking up at the sky and it being so quiet. There were no planes allowed in the air and it was quiet. I always brought $5 with me to buy a bottle of water or a watermelon Gatorade when I got to the little store on Westheimer. It wasn’t much. But this was my routine. I can still remember the taste of the Gatorade on some days…even though they don’t make that flavor anymore.

I was really stressed during this time of my life. Even though I had a pretty good job that I somewhat enjoyed, I knew it was time for a change. I lost my job by the end of September. I’d like to say it was because of the economy crashing or that parties were being cancelled…even though this was true. I got fired but I wasn’t afraid for some reason. I even ended the call I was on with the employment office to file for unemployment benefits. I drove over to Copy.Com in the Montrose and I sat at the counter and thumbed through a book of artwork to choose the new logo of my new catering company I would start. I continued my exercise and eating well through this difficult time. But, something changed. By the end of October I was eating fast food. By the end of November I had stopped running. By New Years Eve I had gained several pounds but I wasn’t terribly unhappy. I just felt depressed in ways I had not thought imaginable. Maybe it was the shock of all that horrible stuff that happened on 9/11. Maybe it was losing my job. Maybe it was all the crummy stuff I had to deal with during that time of my life….but the bottom line is I simply stopped caring about my self.

Two months ago I stopped drinking Diet Coke. I weighed about 265 pounds. I felt dead on the inside…but I kept going on with my life. I wasn’t particularly unhappy; just not happy. I stopped drinking Diet Coke because the pain I had in my body wouldn’t subside no matter how many pills I’d take. So I started drinking water and stopped the sodas. I had to try something…anything. A few weeks after stopping the sodas, I started to feel less bloated and less swollen around my joints and knees. My doctor gave me more encouragement to work out with a personal trainer by giving me a gift card and a phone number to Tom Jackobs here in Houston. He was a personal trainer who is also an author who wrote Get Off Your Butt and Do Something. Tom and I met one day in his office and I was really nervous. But he was so understanding and patient with me that I soon found myself willing. I was willing to make a change in my life. But not just a quick change that would be a quick fix…but like a permanent change for my life. I’d not felt this certain about making changes for my life since I got sober over 14 years ago. I’m not sure what switch got flipped while I talked with him, but I’m glad it did.

Since that day I’ve worked out at least two times a week at Tom’s gym. The trainers are really so nice, but they push me and give me encouragement. Rayme has been my favorite since I joined. I feel safe with her and like I have a partner…I’m not alone. Tom is there most of the time and we say hello…I feel like he’s always rooting for me even if he doesn’t actually say it in those words.

I’ve found a new love of Memorial Park and the track around Rice University. Three miles that I’ve gotten down to about 43 minutes. I started at an hour. But I’ve walked faster and faster every time. I actually started to run yesterday…my body felt lighter and like I could handle it.

I weighed myself this morning. I weigh 240 pounds. I expect that I’ll break into the 230’s this week and I can actually see the 220’s in my view. My body is looking good…and I’m getting compliments now. Monday starts The Meltdown Challenge with Tom. There are 10 people in the challenge and the winner gets a pretty cool prize. Tomorrow I’ll be planning out my meals and portioning foods. I’m excited and even a little scared. I’m writing this post because I have to make it public what I’m dealing with and what I’m going through. I know it will help other people. I know it’s helped me. The challenge is for 28 days. Since this is my birthday month (on the 10th) I thought it would be a great way to celebrate. My goal is to lose 20 pounds. I haven’t seen 220 pounds since 2001, but I know it’s coming again. I’ll keep posting my progress and challenges and I hope you’ll support me in this. The weight thing is just really for fun. My feeling good is most important to me these days. And I feel good.

I’ll write again this week to update you. If you have questions about what I’m doing or want to encourage or support or even play with me…I would really love that! Feel free to email me or message me here. I’ll share whatever I can so that we all win. Thanks in advance for your love and support!

The Formula For Power… (a message for all the gay teens out there)

April 8, 2012April 8, 20124 Comments

About a week ago I was commenting on some photos on InstaGram. Someone had posted a really horrible comment about gay youth and how they should just go ahead and do everyone a favor and end their lives. They also said some crappy things about the suicide rate rising among gay youths was a good thing, that it was taking care of a problem in society. These comments were coming from another teenage girl. It was hard not to get angry at her. And her friends were equally disgusting. They freely quoted the bible as the justification for their comments and reasoning. My first reaction was to bombard the posting with comments of my own, which a lot of people seemed to be trying to do. But these girls were armed with enough information to hurt others, which is what most people do when they don’t understand something. And most disturbing…they learn this from people in charge. Parents who say things and people from their church who spew hate while preaching love and tolerance. I’m not the first person to post something about this so this isn’t anything new. It feels hopeless to ever try to change their minds or their thinking.

But then I remembered something that I had made a huge difference for me! I remembered that I don’t have any control over their speaking and thinking. I don’t have any power over the adults who will continue to pray for us but spew hateful things while singing hymns. I don’t have any control over any of that. But….I do have control over me.

I don’t believe I was born any certain way. I don’t know if God made me this way. I don’t know if my upbringing, my friends, my baby food, my medicines, my clothes, our financial status when growing up, or having all sisters made me gay. And in the long run, would any of that really matter? Would it really matter if any of that was the source of my sexuality? I love being gay and I thank God every day I got to be the man I am.

So, No. It wouldn’t matter. Because here I am now. Lady Gaga sings Born This Way. I think it’s something bigger than being born this way and so we can’t help it. It’s not our fault…we were born this way. I think Mother Monster actually meant something bigger. (I love you Lady Gaga!!)

10 years ago I actually chose my life. I chose the life I have. I chose to embrace who I knew myself to be and gave my self permission to choose to be gay. That’s right. I said I chose to be gay. I chose everything that is including in that choice. I am responsible for my life and who I am right now. Not the people who think they can pray for me or hope I change or ask God to forgive me for my “ways.”

I remembered this while those little girls where saying what they were saying. I remembered thinking to myself “they don’t have a choice.” They didn’t have a choice to be accepting or not. They are being fed this constant stream of out-dated thinking toward other people. They are baby girls with futures in front of them just like every other child out there. And their future isn’t any less bright than any other child’s future. And our job is to educate them that they have a choice, too. They can choose their life, exactly as it is, and exactly as it isn’t, but they don’t know that! And when you can choose your life this way, you have freedom. You have the freedom to be whomever you want to be or not to be.

So, my response to the InstaGram stream was simple. I hope it makes a difference for anyone out there struggling with this. Being born this way (any way you think you might have been born) plus choosing the life you have, equals amazing power and freedom.

So to all the teens out there struggling or wondering if something is wrong with you….no matter what anyone says….no matter what anyone in charge may say…no matter what your parents say…no matter what your pastor says….no matter what your family says, you are perfect. And you are fabulous in every way. But don’t take my word for it! The best way to find out if this is true is to go live life so fully and fabulously that even the dirt on the street says how fabulous you are!

Go…live life and be fabulous! And choose life every time! If for any reason you, or someone you know, is struggling with their sexuality or thinking they are not worth living life fully, it’s our job to remind them how awesome and amazing they are.

I love you and honor you and wish you nothing but the best in life. You can email me or comment here if you need any help! Click the picture below to be taken to the Born This Way Foundation that Lady Gaga and her mom created or you can go to BornThisWay.org. Thank you for reading and I love you!

Only You Can Prevent This…

April 1, 2012Leave a comment

When I was younger we had to do a project in school. I was very excited about it, because once my teacher told me what the project was going to be, I immediately knew what I was going to do! I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to take my idea! (Something I continue to do to this day for some reason.) Anyway….we had to create a poster demonstrating Fire Prevention…it was Fire Prevention week as I remember. The Fire Marshall and Smokey The Bear were going to come to our school and judge the posters for the best one! I was so excited. I loved Smokey The Bear. I had a hat just like this one when I was in school…and I just loved him so much.

I ran home to put my poster together and I kept it all very secret. I worked quietly on it in my room upstairs. The shag carpet burning my knees as I carefully placed each piece of magic on the poster board. It was a white poster board. So anything that showed up on it would be bright and stark. I loved the white space…so much room to create with.

I brought my poster to school the day the judging was supposed to take place. I was nervous. I couldn’t focus on anything until I knew for sure Smokey had seen my poster. I just knew he was going to love it. And the Fire Marshall was particularly handsome, which didn’t seem unusual to me. I didn’t know all the other boys didn’t care about such things. But I just knew I was going to impress him, too.

We went to the gymnasium where all of the posters where hanging around the walls of the gym. We all walked around the gym and admired each other’s work. I already knew mine was going to win so all of this was just a formality you see. But I walked around smugly and so confident of my work. I even remember passing my poster thinking it was so awesome and brilliant. And it was…and so was I for thinking of it. Such a smart little boy I was. Until…

The Fire Marshall and Smokey The Bear walked into the gym and walked around looking at all the posters. My heart raced. Would he love it as much as I’d hoped he would?? Would he break into applause? How would Smokey show how much he loved me and my poster? A hug? A handshake? I was ok with all of the options!

They walked up to my poster and were whispering to each other. This was it. It was a quiet conversation confirming the obvious. The Fire Marshall took my poster from the wall. He rolled it up and handed it to the lady who was walking around with the entourage. They walked around the room to look at the other posters and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest! This was EVEN BETTER THAN I HAD HOPED! They loved it so much they had to take it on stage with them to show everyone! Finally…my genius would be rewarded!

They handed the rolled up poster to my teacher. She looked over at me and smiled. I grinned back at her on the edge of my seat. They were going to ask me to come up so I had to get ready to excuse myself down the aisle of losers sitting beside me. Poor kids. They didn’t know what was about to happen.

As I stood up and walked toward my teacher, she leaned down and said she was sorry. My poster had been disqualified. What the hell is disqualified? What did that mean? Did that mean it was so extraordinary that it had this special term I had never heard of? Unfortunately, it did not.

Needless to say I didn’t win any awards that day. I didn’t win anything but confusion and heartbreak. I was devastated. But I loved my poster and remembered what I had done for many years after.

One day, about 6 months ago I was reminded of that experience when I was on a shopping app on my iPad. It literally made me gasp. Did they know? Was this a sign of some type from the universe? What in gay hell had just happened?? There it was. A piece of artwork that looked so similar to my childhood poster that the same body sensations I’d had so long ago were suddenly present all over again. Smokey had came to my mind all over again.

The poster I made was made with matches that spelled out “DON’T PLAY WITH MATCHES!”

This was the poster I saw (and immediately ordered online!)

The art was done by an artist and here’s her statement about creating it:

Artist Dánica Conneely explains her process in crafting this work of art. “I laid each individual piece down with tweezers. It took me all night. I should have lit it on fire after I was done.” This print stems from a photograph of the innovative work that will inspire you to think different and create boldly.

I don’t have a picture of the poster I did. But I never forgot it. And now that I’ve got this print, which will be hanging in my office very shortly, I don’t ever have to. I love what the artist says that it will hopefully inspire you to think differently and create boldly. Which, even as a child, I was already doing. Thank you Smokey!

P.S. I think it’s funny that I also got a link sent to me in an email several years ago if I remember correctly. The link took me to this picture…which I still remember laughing my ass off….it still makes me!

In Memoriam…

March 31, 20126 Comments

I gave up Diet Coke last week. I’ve long heard it was bad for me, etc. I read a lot of web articles and found horrifying things and some not so bad things. Everyone says its bad for you. but people continue to imbibe. I’m not a preachy person (about most things) and I’m not going to start. I don’t really know anything about Diet Coke, other than its been my best friend for a very long time. We’ve woken up together in the morning and watched Good Morning America. We’ve watched movies together. We’ve gone out to eat and always preferred the company of DC rather than DP (you know who you are). And we’ve worked long days and catered events together. But sadly I ha to say goodbye to my dear friend Diet Coke. You told me we were friends to my face, but you were stabbing me in the back while we made the world smile. I even turned my other friends on to you. And you took them and me for granted. I’m not angry you did it. I always knew in the back of my mind we would never work out forever. But it didn’t stop me from trying.

In the past week and a half, I’ve not had any headaches other than minor caffeine struggles in the beginning. Nothing I would want to go through again, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I’ve felt less swollen in my joints. My knees and legs don’t hurt as much. And I’ve grown to like sparkling mineral waters. I’ve been able to sleep a little better. And I’ve gotten more aware of what I’m putting in my body. I’m not perfect with it and I do miss your company. Nothing feels better than eating something salty and chasing it with your sweet burn. But the possible circumstances and unknown-ness of your safety overall were too much of a risk.

So I wish you well Diet Coke. I know lots of people will continue to love and adore you. You’ve gotten me through some good and bad times in my life. But this is where we go our separate ways. Goodbye.

My Personal Mantras…

March 31, 2012March 31, 2012Leave a comment

I thought I would share with you my personal mantras for getting in action.
I’ve LONG lived by these, but never found as eloquent a way to share…so here they are:

Mantra One