Category: Freedom and Power

What’s So? Funny You Should Ask

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Recently I had the pleasure of participating in a fabulous online course with Landmark Education. The course really was designed to give those participating power and freedom in these times we live in. I loved it and got so much out of it!

One of the handouts was a quote from Werner Erhard, a personal hero of mine in the world of personal growth and development. I’ve been a huge fan of his work and always wished I had a chance to participate in some of that earlier work he created and would still love to meet him one day!

The quote was from a talk he did and it was called “What’s So”. It’s a wonderful exercise in getting to what is actually so about anything in your life so that you can deal with THAT and not with the drama and story around what you may perceive as your life. I know I’m paraphrasing here and it’s hard to really boil down all that is in that magnificent document into a paragraph because so much of the intention and spirit of it is left off when I do that. My best friend and I would read the document every day and look at areas of our lives that we had been stuck on or were experiencing lacks of power, freedom, and full self expression. It wasn’t hard to find them especially given this world of pandemic and craziness with the economy and all that good stuff!

One thing we discovered was looking at the document from an “I” perspective really illuminated some interesting concepts that hadn’t shown up in previous readings, so we took the document and redid it in a format that has it speak to the reader like you are talking to yourself. It has been a real revelation for me in so many areas that I just had to share it here!

I’m going to post the two versions of the quote so you can see the difference and use whichever you’d like. I hope it makes a difference for you in whatever area of your life you may be working on. I’m always available to talk to anyone about anything regarding these documents and thanks for being a reader of my website! I know it’s been a while but it is what it is. I decided to get started again so I can keep the creativity flowing!

Here’s the first quoted document in it’s original form followed by the second version in the “I” form. Enjoy!

WHAT’S SO

What’s so is always just what’s so. What’s so doesn’t care what you think, feel, intend or wish; it will not bend. You can be freaked out or driven over what’s so, and it won’t change what’s so. If you’re late for an appointment, getting freaked out about it won’t have you arrive any earlier. If you’re having a bad day, being freaked out won’t change what’s so.

That which you seek will not bring you satisfaction – aligning with what’s so will.

When you’re upset, you’re never upset over what’s so. What’s so is just what’s so, and you’re upset.

If your house burns down and you get upset, does it bring your house back? What’s so doesn’t care if you’re upset; it’s up to you how you handle what’s so. There is no confusion in what’s so. When you don’t know you just don’t know – there is no confusion there.

There’s nothing right or wrong about what’s so. What’s so is always open to different interpretations. There’s always just what’s so, and then you have an interpretation.

What scares you isn’t what’s so, it’s your interpretation. The interpretation is never true; what’s so is real, the interpretation is not.

Who you’re being is just who you’re being, and what’s so doesn’t care if you’re happy with it or not, so why should you? When you’re not being with what’s so, that’s also just what’s so. Why should you concern yourself?

Other people should always be the way they’re being; if you think they shouldn’t, that’s your interpretation. Bring yourself back to what’s so about them. Until you can be with what’s so, you can’t be with anything or anyone. You may have control over other people’s what’s so, but none over their interpretation – give it up.

If you take action or not, it’s still just what’s so. If it works out well or not, it’s still just what’s so. You can never make a right or wrong decision or take a right or wrong action.

Whatever you do will always bring you more of what’s so, and then you have an interpretation about it. Whatever you don’t have, so what? Whatever you’ve done or thought in the past, again so what? Whatever happens in the future is not to be feared. It’s just going to be more of what’s so.

The challenge is to spend as much time in what’s so as you can. The chatter in your head is more interpretation, and it has nothing to do with what’s so. There’s nothing wrong with the chatter, it’s just you listening to a fantasy.

The thought that there is something wrong is an illusion; there is nothing wrong, there is only what’s so.

Notice when you’re comparing what’s so to some fantasy of how it should be. Bring yourself back to what’s so and it will be O.K.

Ask yourself what’s so and align with that. Align with what’s so and it will not matter. That is the foundation of transformation and satisfaction.

Not aligning with what’s so is the only thing that will ever bring you hardship or suffering. Life in what’s so will bring you harmony, grace, and balance.

The other side of what is so is so what.

Werher Erhard

What’s So (“i” Version) – Inspired By Werner Erhard

What’s so is always just what’s so. What’s so doesn’t care what I think, feel, intend or wish; it will not bend. I can be freaked out or driven over what’s so, and it won’t change what’s so. If I’m late for an appointment, getting freaked out about it won’t have me arrive any earlier. If I’m having a bad day, being freaked out won’t change what’s so.

That which I seek will not bring me satisfaction – aligning with what’s so will.

When I’m upset, I’m never upset over what’s so. What’s so is just what’s so, and I’m upset.

If my house burns down and I get upset, does it bring my house back? What’s so doesn’t care if I’m upset; it’s up to me how I handle what’s so. There is no confusion in what’s so. When I don’t know I just don’t know – there is no confusion there.

There’s nothing right or wrong about what’s so. What’s so is always open to different interpretations. There’s always just what’s so, and then I have an interpretation.

What scares me isn’t what’s so, it’s my interpretation. The interpretation is never true; what’s so is real, the interpretation is not.

Who I’m being is just who I’m being, and what’s so doesn’t care if I’m happy with it or not, so why should I? When I’m not being with what’s so, that’s also just what’s so. Why should I concern myself?

Other people should always be the way they’re being; if I think they shouldn’t, that’s my interpretation. Bring myself back to what’s so about them. Until I can be with what’s so, I can’t be with anything or anyone. I may have control over other people’s what’s so, but none over their interpretation – give it up.

If I take action or not, it’s still just what’s so. If it works out well or not, it’s still just what’s so. I can never make a right or wrong decision or take a right or wrong action.

Whatever I do will always bring me more of what’s so, and then I  have an interpretation about it. Whatever I don’t have, so what? Whatever I’ve done or thought in the past, again so what? Whatever happens in the future is not to be feared. It’s just going to be more of what’s so.

The challenge is to spend as much time in what’s so as I can. The chatter in my head is more interpretation, and it has nothing to do with what’s so. There’s nothing wrong with the chatter, it’s just me listening to a fantasy.

The thought that there is something wrong is an illusion; there is nothing wrong, there is only what’s so.

Notice when I’m comparing what’s so to some fantasy of how it should be. Bring myself back to what’s so and it will be O.K.

Ask myself what’s so and align with that. Align with what’s so and it will not matter. That is the foundation of transformation and satisfaction.

Not aligning with what’s so is the only thing that will ever bring me hardship or suffering. Life in what’s so will bring me harmony, grace, and balance.

The other side of what is so is so what.

From Original What’s So document by Werner Erhard

Grateful for Life

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Today is the one year anniversary of the shooting that took place in Orlando at the Pulse nightclub.  Forty-nine of my LGBTQ community were just wiped away for nothing more than being in a nightclub and having a good time. The most horrific quote I read was from one of the survivors who said he had danced to the beat of someone’s death.

My heart breaks for all of us as a community but especially for those that were there that night and the family members of those that were hurt or killed.  I cried when I read about the one body not claimed by the family because he was gay.  I cannot even fucking imagine how you can leave your son there for someone else to deal with like a throwaway.  Who do you have to be to do that?  What do you have to believe in?  What do you have to worship?  I hope whatever God they believe in forgives them for that and also eases their pain as surely they can never forget what they had done.

Im one of the lucky ones  my parents love me and they tell me nearly every day they can.  I’m grateful for my mom and dad, but mostly I’m grateful for life, itself. I’m grateful for who I get to be every day and I’m grateful for the life I’ve been given. I don’t always take the best care of myself or my life but I sure am glad I got the chance.

To everyone out there who loves and celebrates life on their own terms, I wish you a Happy Pride Month!  May our lives continue to make a visible difference for those that can’t yet or who have yet to come to know who they are.  We are here for you and we’ll celebrate you and love you until you can love yourself.

🌈🦄💛💚💙❤️💜🖤👨🏻‍🎤👨‍👨‍👦👩‍👩‍👦👨‍👦🐻🐼🐷⬆️⬇️↔️🔀🔂♿️🚹🚺💟🖤💜❤️💙💚💛🦄🌈

“The first three shots: I thought it was music.

I felt the bass in my body on the floor against that wall. I felt it. I saw it.

I thought it was the music.

Then glass shattering, the air filling with smoke. The flashing of the gun looked like a strobe light.  I danced to the beat of someone’s death.

Everyone getting down.”

Chris Hansen, a survivor.

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It’s Time for a Change

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Yesterday was my birthday.  I’m horrible with birthdays, celebrations, and acknowledgements.  For someone so outgoing and extroverted, I can feel so shut down and fearful of people and public situations that it feels a lot like what I think anxiety feels like.  I have no idea when it started, but I guess it doesn’t matter.  I just turned 49 years old yesterday and the same thing happened.  I went to bed the night before so full of hope and excited about the next day.  I walked the dogs and said my prayers like I do every day.  I woke up on Saturday morning, the day of my birthday, and jumped in the shower and did all the stuff I knew to do to go get coffee and hang out with friends.  The problem was I hadn’t made any plans with anyone.  I didn’t want to make plans.  I knew what was happening because I had done it so many years before and so many birthdays. I would wake up and get lost in the day and see how it unfolded.  It usually ended with me being deflated, sad, and even more introverted.  Nobody could have pulled me out of it, and believe me many had tried over the years.  I was always so mortified that I felt that way but it never felt like I had a choice.  It was like a default way of being.  I had no choice.  I fucking hated it and I hated my life during those moments.

That was yesterday.  This is today.  I’m 49 and 1 day today.

I’ve thought a lot today about who I’m going to be for the next 364 days and here’s what I’m thinking.  Recently I was asked to say a little something about myself that I’d like people to know.  I responded with this:

“I love “love” so much, I got the word tattooed on my arm; not only to let others know that love is what I’m all about, but to remind myself when I forget. There is no place I can’t make a difference when love is where I stand. When I embrace all the parts of me that I denied or avoided for so long (my white beard, my being a bear, for instance) it gives everyone permission to completely be themselves around me and in their lives. I can’t think of a greater gift than that.” – Harold Hal Kelly

In thinking about this upcoming year of life I’ve decided to do a couple of things to ensure that by this time next year, I won’t be in the same position of feeling lonely, sad and depressed.  So here’s what I’m going to do…

  1. Each day I’ll share something in my life that I’m grateful for.  It can be anything.
  2. Whatever I say I’m grateful for I’ll take a picture of and post it here or on some other social media.
  3. Celebrate my life and my skills and my accomplishments as I go into my 50’s.
  4. Plan trips to see musicians and bands I love throughout the year.
  5. Go see places I’ve always wanted to see or want to see again this year.
  6. Love what I’m doing and who I’m with or change it immediately.

So that’s my new year.  I have no idea what to expect and that’s part of the appeal here.  I can do nothing and get exactly what I got yesterday and today.  I’d love to think that I can keep this going on my own but I’ll need reminders from time to time.  I’ll put it in my calendar to remind me…that’s a good start.

So here’s to the next year…a year of gratitude, love and celebration of life.  Thanks for reading and thanks for your support over the years.  Lets do this…17991167_10212928497350880_2007424354697771822_n

It’s time for Pride 2017

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Hey everyone!  So I got to be a part of the fabulous P.R.I.D.E. Portraits photo lineup and I was so proud to be asked!  There are so many fabulous Houstonians in this lineup I can’t even tell you.

I’m not going to say a lot about it, because it just speaks for itself.  I was asked what I wanted the world to know about me and the statement included just sort of came up for me.  It wasn’t hard to think about who I am at this time in my life.   Here’s what I said I’d like people to know about me:

When I embrace all the parts of me that I denied or avoided for so long (my white beard, my being a bear, for instance) it gives everyone permission to completely be themselves around me and in their lives. I can’t think of a greater gift than that.” – Harold Hal Kelly #gay #lesbian#trans #queer #ally #intersex #bi#prideportraits #equality #instagay #bear#beard #lgbT #FABULOUS #love #lovewins #downtownhal

 

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A Spell for You in 2017

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A very good friend of mine posted something on her Facebook page today that I just had to share with everyone!  But first, I had to look up who originally created the words that came together so beautifully and that made me sit up in my chair and think, “wow!  I want that!”

The inspirational quote was originally posted back in 2015 as an excerpt from a book by Rob Brezsny called PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA.  I know nothing about the book but I’m fascinated by the excerpt.  I think it literally hits a spot in me that makes me want to jump into action and cause something amazing this year.   I loved the quote so much that I bought his book as well.  (Pronoia is the opposite of Paranoia in that you start working from the universe is indeed out to get you and support you and empower you and bring all goodness your way.  I’m going to need practice for that!)

Anyway…here’s your new motivation for 2017.  I put a meme of the quote at the bottom of the page as well as a link to Amazon for Rob’s book.  Enjoy it.  Embrace it.  Go out there and live it.  We need a good year!  Here’s to an utterly FABULOUS new year!

A SPELL FOR YOU IN 2017

your debts forgiven

your wounds healed

your apologies accepted

your generosity expanded

your love educated

your desires clarified

your uniqueness unleashed

your untold stories heard

your insight heightened

your load lightened

your wildness rejuvenated

your leaks plugged

your courage stoked

your fears dissolved

your imagination fed

your creativity uncorked

–Rob Brezsny

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2017 Spell for You

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Pronoia by Rob Brezsny

 

Welcome Back

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Well well.  Look what the cat dragged in!  It’s been several years since I’ve posted on my blog.  And while a lot has happened since 2012 when my life changed dramatically,  My relationship of over 8 years had come to an abrupt end and, to be honest, I’ve been sort of lost since that time.  I’ve been lucky to be in a short relationship with a really great guy, but I was an idiot and didn’t understand what was going on with me or in my life at that time.  This is the longest I’ve been single in such a very long time.  It’s been quite an adjustment to say the least.

So I hope you’ll forgive me for my long absence.  I’m honestly not even sure who’s out there still reading any of this.  But I thought it would be a good idea to get it going again.  If anything just to reclaim some part of myself that I’d lost since life got upturned.  I don’t regret a single thing since everything changed, but I was not prepared for the depths of depression I’d enter and not even realize.  Talk about a fog.  A fog of the soul is kind of how it felt.

Less fog these days..more love.  It’s a start.  I’m just about ready to give up fighting and let the light back in.  I know it sounds cheesy.  But I gotta try.  So there it is.  That’s my update for now.  It’s a start, and I just had to get back on the beam.

Music Cat

Starbucks. Equality. Cool Pics…

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I found some of these cool pictures of Starbucks coffee cups and they inspired me to share!

I’m drinking my triple espresso with 3 sugars right now and wishing the whole world could just grab a cup of coffee together!

Enjoy the pics and get out there and get some coffee today from a company that supports marriage equality for all of us.  Great job!!

Facebook Sideswiping & Superman’s Racist Alter-Identity…

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Sideswipe:

  1. A glancing blow on or along the side
  2. An incidental critical remark
  3. An unexpected criticism of someone or something while discussing another subject
  4. A character in the Transformers cartoon series known for acting hastily, often at the expense of the safety and/or happiness of others around him

I love Facebook.  I love getting on and seeing what everyone is up to and kind of checking in with my friends and family.  It’s one of the highlights of my morning and even makes me happy throughout the day to periodically check in and see what people are up to.  Lately, though, I’ve been a little less optimistic about hopping on Facebook without a sense of trepidation.  Seeing my stream open up on the browser, I scroll down a little slower than I used to.  I do this for two reasons…

Number one, I don’t want to see that someone I thought I loved (or liked) has posted something about politics and/or this whole chicken thing which shall remain nameless in this post.  It probably wouldn’t be too bad if it wasn’t so damn mean spirited lately.  I mean getting on Facebook used to be about friendship and camaraderie.  Now I can’t stand to see the opinions and comments of people who disagree with mine.  I didn’t used to be that way.  I used to be all about sharing and agreeing to disagree and even encouraged others to have their point of view and debate me.  Now…there is no debate.  Now there is righteousness and a real sense of anger and sometimes entitlement.  And this counts for both sides…I’m not just talking about people I’d consider to be on “my side” of the conversations.  I’m talking about everyone lately.

Number two, I don’t want to see people I respect highly post a remark or comment about something I’m passionate about changing.  I consider myself a smart guy…really.  I’ve been told over my life that I have a keen sense of seeing how things are and an even keener ability to affect change in the world.  But seeing people I’ve agreed to be friends with on Facebook post something that seems SO counter to what I believe, it literally makes me doubt my abilities to choose friends.  I mean when I see someone confusing this issue of free speech with an issue that is clearly about something else, it really makes me wonder how smart these people are that I once admired…even looked up to.  And it more than irritates me…it hurts.  I think to myself…how in the hell did I get it so wrong to think that they would be someone I’d look up to?

It’d be like if Clark Kent all of a sudden posted something on Facebook about being FOR “white” rights since it seems everyone else is getting rights except for the white people.  Clark may post something like “Nothing against the rights for blacks and Mexicans because I think they have a right to be brown or black…but I didn’t choose to be white so I think I should be entitled to the same rights as they get.  It’s not about White Power…it’s about power for all!”  This is totally how this whole chicken thing has occurred to me lately.  SOOOOO off kilter and ignorant with nobody doing any critical thinking about how this surely must occur to the gay men and women it affects.  Seriously?  Of course…Superman is for everyone’s rights.  But Clark has “different ideals.”

So I scroll down my friends posts a little slower so I can catch the hurtful things before they are thrust into my brain without any warning.  Kind of like porn flashing in front of your screen…you can’t get that out of your head for a while.  It sticks with you.  Sarah Palin holding a bag of chicken sandwiches in your neighborhood sticks with you.  Seeing people in line waiting to buy chicken to support a companies right to have opinions that seem so outdated and insulting sticks with you.  Seeing the people close to you post a “word-picture” of something that is so offensive, sticks with you.

So I scroll a little slower these days.  I don’t like to have to do that on Facebook.  And I don’t like to have to be forced to relive those days of not being accepted when I was younger.  Those days when I never knew who would be walking down the hall on my way to class and would scream out the word “faggot” and make everyone laugh or look at me.  My life is a little more evolved than that now.  I don’t put myself in those situations just like as a sober man I don’t go to places where they will be using crack cocaine or things that may hurt me.  But how do you do that on Facebook…the place that is supposed to be our world community of friends and family?  The answer is you don’t.  People are going to have opinions (like I have this opinion I’m writing about in this blog post.)  They are going to have opinions that differ from mine, no matter how outdated and offensive they may seem.  BUT.  I don’t have to be a part of it.  I don’t have to stay friends with these people to hopefully make a difference with them in the future.  My days of trying to be a good gay guy that would hopefully make people see that gay people are good and loving and contributing members of society are done.  I’m tired of empowering others to have their freedom to speech and different ideas.  There comes a time when ideas have to change.  When the line between your right to have your opinion and my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are crossed.  All men are created equal.  That’s what we all agree is our founding principle.  It’s now time for a change and I don’t know how to make that change happen but we are on the cusp of something here in America.  It’s only a matter of time before change happens.  We are all hoping, secretly, that all people really do have the right to be happy and love who they want and have the freedom to be who they want to be.  I for one am sorry I held my lips closed for so long about the people who don’t or who won’t.  Don’t let my lack of saying something about it make you think that I’ve supported it or that because I’ve been quiet about it means that it should stay that way anymore.  It doesn’t.

So the next time you are sitting at your desk, or on your couch, and you pull up your Facebook page, don’t be alarmed if you don’t see my posts in your feed anymore.  And don’t be surprised if you can’t post anything to my wall or comment on my posts.  The only way to affect change at the moment is to empower myself and not let any of that negative BS live for long around me.  No offense.  I’m just tired of you driving in my lane and sideswiping me.

By the way, meet Foreskin Man.  He fights for the newborn baby boys who don’t have the power to fight for themselves against their enemies.

He’s a blond, blue-eyed superhero out to protect newborn boys from a menacing, hook-nosed rabbi named Monster Mohel, for whom “nothing [is more exciting] than cutting into the penile flesh of an eight-day-old infant boy.”

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading!

@downtownharold.com

Breaking a 10 year record…

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Well…I haven’t been in the 220’s for about 10 years.  The last time I remember being this light was just after September 11th happened. At that time I was 225…and that was the heaviest I’d ever been.  I don’t know how I got to 265 since that time…but for sure it was 1 pound at a time.  So, working out and diet always comes down to be the answer.  Lord knows I held out for my doctor to give me that secret pill that they hide and never share.  It’s cool though…I can own my weight loss.  It’s only been 4 months and when I lose 2 more pounds by Sunday (I can sort of tell it’s going to happen) I’ll be at 225 and will have lost 40 pounds.  That’s almost 10 pounds a month.  How the heck did that happen??

I started thinking last night…what the hell am I gonna do when I get to an ideal weight?  Will I have the willpower and courage to maintain it?  People have already sort of gotten used to me being lighter and I’m certainly not obsessing over my weight.  But I’ve never been able to hold it off for long.  But something feels different this time.  This feels like a lifestyle change for sure.  I’m happy with my health…and am getting better every day.  I’ve gone from taking a 300mg blood pressure medication to a 10mg one…my blood pressure is textbook perfect now.  I’ll keep you posted on how I continue to do.  I appreciate all the love and support during my whiney times and my bitching.  I can’t promise I won’t do it again…but at least I’m lighter for getting it all out and getting back on track.

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