I generally deal with change pretty well. Small changes and large ones. It’s just change, right? It’s not the end of the world. But it is different…and different throws me off sometimes. If this reads sort of stream of thought, its because it is. I knew I needed to say something about this…I just didn’t know WHAT. Writing in my blog has always gotten me clarity in ways I never even though possible…like journaling does. But its so public that it feels way more vulnerable. I guess what I want to say about this whole subject is that I am single. I’m acknowledging it to the world and I’m ready to continue on the path of whatever may be next for me.

I also wanted to say that, even though it’s nobody’s business but my own, I didn’t separate because of another person. I did choose to make a change because it was the right thing to do for me. I’m never not going to love my ex-partner. It’s impossible. Anything is possible, including being single for a while, or even being in a new relationship. It’s all possible. And I love possibility. And I love LOVE. I have been a stand for people getting what they want in their lives for so long that I finally decided to take my own advice. And that advice is this…love with all your heart and make changes when needed. I did both. And now for what’s next…

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It’s a holiday today. I see pictures of people/friends on FaceBook and they are happy and celebrating. I see them with friends out and about enjoying the beautiful day with each other. I see all the cool gay people out drinking and partying with friends. I see a whole world going on around me…but I don’t feel a part of it at all. I do deal responsibly with my depression…I talk often with my doctor and with friends and confidants. But from time to time the thoughts of loneliness and depression just hit me in a way that knocks me to my knees with pain. I wish I didn’t have it. I wish I didn’t have these thoughts…but I do. I typically batten down the hatches until it passes. I don’t make any life-changing decisions during this time. I don’t do things that may upset others. I just keep quiet until the darkness passes. That’s what I call it…the darkness. It could stay for a day or an afternoon…or it can stick with me for a longer period of time. I hate those times! If I stay too long in that space, it becomes reality for me and harder to get myself out of it. Someone who doesn’t suffer from the darkness may not understand this, so I don’t usually talk about it. But, with today being a holiday, and knowing that holidays kick my ass for all sorts of reasons, I thought it would be good to share and maybe help someone out there who might be dealing with the same thing.

Recently I’ve been feeling the darkness coupled with a feeling of profound loneliness. Anyone who knows me would tell you that it would seem weird that someone like me would feel this way. So many people love me. So many people love spending time with me. So much love out there…and yet I wouldn’t believe it even if they were all standing there in front of me. And sometimes they are…and I still don’t believe it or feel it.

If you Google loneliness and relationships you’ll find a lot of good source material. I’m not going to talk about that here. Instead I’m going to talk about something I read recently that really empowered me and helped me beyond anything I’ve used before. A book I purchased called Rebooting, Defeating Depression with the Power of Kabbalah. Regardless of your religious beliefs or non-beliefs just stick with me here while I share this. This isn’t a religion or belief conversation. It’s a simple way that I’ve found that has really gotten me out of some recent funkiness. Maybe that’s why I need to share it here, so that it will make a difference for me. I can derive a lot of value from the material on my own…but I need to share it so that it sticks…so that it makes a difference for others and hopefully you’ll bring it back to me in some way when I need you most. Deal? OK…here goes…

When the world feels gray and muted, it can often feel overwhelming and impossible to change.  One of the questions that was asked was, “How do you transform a dark room?”  You switch on the light, of course.  The light allows us to see the varied colors and textures of the room that no more than a second ago was shrouded in black.  In a brightly lit room, real living can commence.  In kabbalistic terms, the light that has that power to illuminate a dim room is a metaphor for something much more brilliant.

The Light, according to Kabbalah, is every positive emotion and every blissful moment you can possibly imagine, and it flows directly from our Creator.  This means that we have an endless supply of this amazing stuff, and we just need to find the light switch in order to active it.  The good news is that this goal is much closer than we might think.  In fact, the key to conquering depression has been right under our noses all along.  That’s because the cure for depression presents itself to us in the form of our daily struggles.

Now if this is true…and I’m just supposing it is for the sake of making a difference with my depression, then what they are saying is that my struggles, my pain, my loneliness, my struggles are a potential gift for me.  The first time I read this book and particularly the way that my depression may be a gift, I swear I wanted to throw this F’n book across the room and break something.  But I stuck with it.  I wanted to see if this would indeed make a difference.  Since we can’t have light without darkness and vice-versa, maybe there was something to this.  Darkness cannot exist where there is light. Have you ever tried this?  Even the smallest light like a match or a flicker of my iPhone charging across the bedroom at night has the darkness disappear in that little area where there is light.  If I were to put a blanket over a lamp, the light would still be there, it would just be covered by the blanket.  But the light is STILL THERE.  It didn’t go away.  This gives me an enormous amount of hope.

Just one step activates and enhances the Light within you.  The steps don’t have to be huge leaps or bounds; even baby steps will do.  With each step my confidence grows, and I move closer and closer to my true potential, which seemed so dim and dark just moments ago.  This willingness to try and turn the Light on was enough to get it started.  Sometimes if I don’t even have that part…then I start with the willingness to be willing.  And then something starts in me.  There is a little less darkness.  There is a little less heaviness.  And slowly and slowly the room gets lighter around me.  The darkness begins to lift and I can breathe a little deeper…not quite so shallow.

Darkness and light cannot coexist, so when you connect to the Light, depression is forced to take the high road out of town.  Just by reading this little blog article is taking a proactive step toward recovery.  There are a set of questions in the book that will allow you to sort of shed some light on your darkness.  Here are some of the questions the book asks…

1.  When did you first begin feeling depressed?

2.  What would you say is the cause of your depression?

3.  Do you feel as if you made a mistake or failed at a task?  If so, describe your experience.

4.  Did a personal experience reveal traits about yourself that you do not like?  If so, describe those traits and why you believe they are negative.

I really hope that this little article I’ve written has helped someone out there.  I don’t know if it will or if it won’t.  It is my hope that it does.  I go in and out of this darkness and hope to spend more time out of it than in it.  If you ever want to share your experience with me about your bout of darkness, please email me or send me a message here.  It’d be great to connect with you.  Thank you for reading and for being a fan.

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The lenses are called the Ōlloclip and they are pretty fantastic. They fit right over the existing camera on the iPhone and they really let me focus in on the parts of the subject I want to. Check out some of the new shots with the macro lens.

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Thank you Bear Poster! Check out this fabulous comparison chart. This should clear up a lot of questions you may have about bears and their friends.

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Thanksgiving came…I ate a good amount of all sorts of stuff and more. It was Thanksgiving after all and everyone was doing it. I’d get back on after the holiday. But then the holiday parties started. I’m a caterer and I had parties just about every day of the month…more excuses. And so it went on and on. I had slowly gained back 10 pounds of the 30+ pounds I had lost and it didn’t take much time for me to regret throwing out the fat clothes. The pants I was so proud to buy, didn’t fit. The partner’s jeans still fit, but barely. The cute shorts I bought…not so cute anymore.

Until today. I’ve been seriously wondering what happened to my momentum…I was doing so great, feeling amazing and clean, but all of that possibility and freedom and determination was out the window. My long slide down the integrity slide had reached bottom again. Luckily…I haven’t gained back all 30 pounds I’d lost over the summer. I was walking in the grocery store today and something hit me. I suddenly remembered all the good foods I ate over the summer. I remembered the healthy snacks. I remembered the portion sizes. It all came back to me and I was stunned. I was stunned that I hadn’t remembered until then. Where had it been all this time? None of it mattered…it was all right there in front of me. The grace of a Higher Power or something had swept upon me and I remembered. For today…I remembered that it was all about nutrition.

The shopping I did today was pretty awesome. I have clean foods that I enjoy and that work well with my body. I have enough to prepare my snacks for each day and I feel empowered again. So for today I got some power with my health and that makes this a great day.

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I’ve been using SoundCloud to discover new music as well. Some artists are posting their music directly to the site so they can get it out and control access to it before it comes out to the public. My favorite artist Robyn is one of the artists that embraced the technology early on. You can see she’s got a lot of her public work posted as well as some personal mixes she did including this beautiful piece remaking Prince’s When Doves Cry:

Artists and DJ’s can mix their own songs and post almost immediately to get their sounds out. I love this mix of Lady Antebellum and Lady Gaga…You can even download some of the mixes for free and listen when you want! And people can comment on the song at whatever time they want..it’s pretty immediate in it’s ability to provide feedback.

You can also find great spoken word articles from some of your favorite websites just by searching. LifeHacker.com posts great stuff from their website that is an easy listen and enjoyable. Check out their latest posting…

So if you’ve never heard of SoundCloud…get over there and discover it. If you’ve not been there in a while, go look at all the new stuff and new features. I think it’s worth a look and get the iPhone and/or iPad app for further enjoyment!

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The best thing ever happened in 2012…I got my first tattoo! It’s simple and straight to the point. And I love it!

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Happy New Year! I don’t know about you, but I was so ready for a new start to a new year! I’m grateful for all that has happened and all the growth I had last year, but I’m glad its over. This year I’ll be 45 and I’m pretty excited about that for some reason. I feel some good changes on the way in just about every area of my life and the lives of the people around me. I appreciate you reading and keeping up with my blog and I hope to give you more in 2013!

Love, Harold

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Today was a great day.

When I heard about The Color Run earlier this year I thought it was just a cool thing to do, but I couldn’t see myself running the whole way or doing it all the way. It is a 5K run, which I’ve done before, but its been such a long time since I’ve run that length all at one time. I really got inspired by the videos on their website so I hopped on The Color Run bandwagon. And boy am I glad I did. That was the best time ever!

All the colors were amazing. All of the people were amazing. The experience of participating was awesome, all the way from registration to the finish line. Here are a few shots of the day along with some video I shot of my experience. It was really awesome. If you get a chance to participate in your city DO IT! Even if you walk it all the way from beginning to end, you gotta experience it. The crowd will inspire you. If you have kids bring them, they will love it. Bring a towel for the drive home and arrive early to really get the whole experience. It rained in the morning here in Houston, but it quickly passed and it turned out to be awesome and brilliant.

I will say that it takes some scrubbing to get all the color off…more than I anticipated. I was blue in parts that I probably shouldn’t have been for longer than I should have been. But it was like a badge of honor to walk around town and show off my colors! I really want to thank The Color Run staff for providing such an awesome experience. You guys were awesome from the beginning to end and it made it all the more special for each and every participant…all 10,000 of us in Houston. Until next time…

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