a little hope, laughter and love

I’m single. That’s a change since the last time I wrote on my blog. So to say a lot has changed recently is an understatement. I’m happy about the changes. I’ve been too embarrassed to share that with people because several of my friends didn’t understand why I would choose to be single at my age and with the wonderful partner I had. I received some support and some grief for my choices. It was hard to understand at first but I gradually came to figure it out. When I gave my word in my wedding vows to my partner, I gave it in front of all of these people in my life. And for me to suddenly break my word with that impacted them in a way I had never seen before. I thought it was just me getting divorced. But it actually involved so many others. I guess thats true no matter who you you married or how long you were married. It also doesn’t matter if it was a straight marriage or gay marriage. It impacts everyone involved…even those I may not have thought it would when I made the choice to become single.

I generally deal with change pretty well. Small changes and large ones. It’s just change, right? It’s not the end of the world. But it is different…and different throws me off sometimes. If this reads sort of stream of thought, its because it is. I knew I needed to say something about this…I just didn’t know WHAT. Writing in my blog has always gotten me clarity in ways I never even though possible…like journaling does. But its so public that it feels way more vulnerable. I guess what I want to say about this whole subject is that I am single. I’m acknowledging it to the world and I’m ready to continue on the path of whatever may be next for me.

I also wanted to say that, even though it’s nobody’s business but my own, I didn’t separate because of another person. I did choose to make a change because it was the right thing to do for me. I’m never not going to love my ex-partner. It’s impossible. Anything is possible, including being single for a while, or even being in a new relationship. It’s all possible. And I love possibility. And I love LOVE. I have been a stand for people getting what they want in their lives for so long that I finally decided to take my own advice. And that advice is this…love with all your heart and make changes when needed. I did both. And now for what’s next…

Have you ever just felt lonely even when you are in the middle of a large number of people? How about when you are in your relationship or marriage? You can be sitting in the same room with your special person but can feel so lonely that it’s painful. Have you ever had these feelings? I’ve been dealing with this a lot lately and I just wanted to talk about it for some of you that may be dealing with the same stuff.

It’s a holiday today. I see pictures of people/friends on FaceBook and they are happy and celebrating. I see them with friends out and about enjoying the beautiful day with each other. I see all the cool gay people out drinking and partying with friends. I see a whole world going on around me…but I don’t feel a part of it at all. I do deal responsibly with my depression…I talk often with my doctor and with friends and confidants. But from time to time the thoughts of loneliness and depression just hit me in a way that knocks me to my knees with pain. I wish I didn’t have it. I wish I didn’t have these thoughts…but I do. I typically batten down the hatches until it passes. I don’t make any life-changing decisions during this time. I don’t do things that may upset others. I just keep quiet until the darkness passes. That’s what I call it…the darkness. It could stay for a day or an afternoon…or it can stick with me for a longer period of time. I hate those times! If I stay too long in that space, it becomes reality for me and harder to get myself out of it. Someone who doesn’t suffer from the darkness may not understand this, so I don’t usually talk about it. But, with today being a holiday, and knowing that holidays kick my ass for all sorts of reasons, I thought it would be good to share and maybe help someone out there who might be dealing with the same thing.

Recently I’ve been feeling the darkness coupled with a feeling of profound loneliness. Anyone who knows me would tell you that it would seem weird that someone like me would feel this way. So many people love me. So many people love spending time with me. So much love out there…and yet I wouldn’t believe it even if they were all standing there in front of me. And sometimes they are…and I still don’t believe it or feel it.

If you Google loneliness and relationships you’ll find a lot of good source material. I’m not going to talk about that here. Instead I’m going to talk about something I read recently that really empowered me and helped me beyond anything I’ve used before. A book I purchased called Rebooting, Defeating Depression with the Power of Kabbalah. Regardless of your religious beliefs or non-beliefs just stick with me here while I share this. This isn’t a religion or belief conversation. It’s a simple way that I’ve found that has really gotten me out of some recent funkiness. Maybe that’s why I need to share it here, so that it will make a difference for me. I can derive a lot of value from the material on my own…but I need to share it so that it sticks…so that it makes a difference for others and hopefully you’ll bring it back to me in some way when I need you most. Deal? OK…here goes…

When the world feels gray and muted, it can often feel overwhelming and impossible to change.  One of the questions that was asked was, “How do you transform a dark room?”  You switch on the light, of course.  The light allows us to see the varied colors and textures of the room that no more than a second ago was shrouded in black.  In a brightly lit room, real living can commence.  In kabbalistic terms, the light that has that power to illuminate a dim room is a metaphor for something much more brilliant.

The Light, according to Kabbalah, is every positive emotion and every blissful moment you can possibly imagine, and it flows directly from our Creator.  This means that we have an endless supply of this amazing stuff, and we just need to find the light switch in order to active it.  The good news is that this goal is much closer than we might think.  In fact, the key to conquering depression has been right under our noses all along.  That’s because the cure for depression presents itself to us in the form of our daily struggles.

Now if this is true…and I’m just supposing it is for the sake of making a difference with my depression, then what they are saying is that my struggles, my pain, my loneliness, my struggles are a potential gift for me.  The first time I read this book and particularly the way that my depression may be a gift, I swear I wanted to throw this F’n book across the room and break something.  But I stuck with it.  I wanted to see if this would indeed make a difference.  Since we can’t have light without darkness and vice-versa, maybe there was something to this.  Darkness cannot exist where there is light. Have you ever tried this?  Even the smallest light like a match or a flicker of my iPhone charging across the bedroom at night has the darkness disappear in that little area where there is light.  If I were to put a blanket over a lamp, the light would still be there, it would just be covered by the blanket.  But the light is STILL THERE.  It didn’t go away.  This gives me an enormous amount of hope.

Just one step activates and enhances the Light within you.  The steps don’t have to be huge leaps or bounds; even baby steps will do.  With each step my confidence grows, and I move closer and closer to my true potential, which seemed so dim and dark just moments ago.  This willingness to try and turn the Light on was enough to get it started.  Sometimes if I don’t even have that part…then I start with the willingness to be willing.  And then something starts in me.  There is a little less darkness.  There is a little less heaviness.  And slowly and slowly the room gets lighter around me.  The darkness begins to lift and I can breathe a little deeper…not quite so shallow.

Darkness and light cannot coexist, so when you connect to the Light, depression is forced to take the high road out of town.  Just by reading this little blog article is taking a proactive step toward recovery.  There are a set of questions in the book that will allow you to sort of shed some light on your darkness.  Here are some of the questions the book asks…

1.  When did you first begin feeling depressed?

2.  What would you say is the cause of your depression?

3.  Do you feel as if you made a mistake or failed at a task?  If so, describe your experience.

4.  Did a personal experience reveal traits about yourself that you do not like?  If so, describe those traits and why you believe they are negative.

I really hope that this little article I’ve written has helped someone out there.  I don’t know if it will or if it won’t.  It is my hope that it does.  I go in and out of this darkness and hope to spend more time out of it than in it.  If you ever want to share your experience with me about your bout of darkness, please email me or send me a message here.  It’d be great to connect with you.  Thank you for reading and for being a fan.

This morning I ate a big bowl of healthy cereal and added a ton of sugar to it because I just felt like it. I had already had a double espresso with three teaspoons of sugar…one for each shot plus an extra to sweeten. I know when this all started back was when, just before the holidays started, I ate a bowl of cereal that I didn’t measure with my measuring cup. I knew what a portion size was, but I was in a hurry and quite honestly didn’t care. It was just before Thanksgiving. We had just moved into the new place and still unpacking boxes. There were a ton of excuses I made…pick any of them and they would have been valid. The point being that in that moment I decided to not honor my word with my diet and thus began a slippery slope.

Thanksgiving came…I ate a good amount of all sorts of stuff and more. It was Thanksgiving after all and everyone was doing it. I’d get back on after the holiday. But then the holiday parties started. I’m a caterer and I had parties just about every day of the month…more excuses. And so it went on and on. I had slowly gained back 10 pounds of the 30+ pounds I had lost and it didn’t take much time for me to regret throwing out the fat clothes. The pants I was so proud to buy, didn’t fit. The partner’s jeans still fit, but barely. The cute shorts I bought…not so cute anymore.

Until today. I’ve been seriously wondering what happened to my momentum…I was doing so great, feeling amazing and clean, but all of that possibility and freedom and determination was out the window. My long slide down the integrity slide had reached bottom again. Luckily…I haven’t gained back all 30 pounds I’d lost over the summer. I was walking in the grocery store today and something hit me. I suddenly remembered all the good foods I ate over the summer. I remembered the healthy snacks. I remembered the portion sizes. It all came back to me and I was stunned. I was stunned that I hadn’t remembered until then. Where had it been all this time? None of it mattered…it was all right there in front of me. The grace of a Higher Power or something had swept upon me and I remembered. For today…I remembered that it was all about nutrition.

The shopping I did today was pretty awesome. I have clean foods that I enjoy and that work well with my body. I have enough to prepare my snacks for each day and I feel empowered again. So for today I got some power with my health and that makes this a great day.

Happy New Year! I don’t know about you, but I was so ready for a new start to a new year! I’m grateful for all that has happened and all the growth I had last year, but I’m glad its over. This year I’ll be 45 and I’m pretty excited about that for some reason. I feel some good changes on the way in just about every area of my life and the lives of the people around me. I appreciate you reading and keeping up with my blog and I hope to give you more in 2013!

Love, Harold

So I’ve had my tattoo for nearly a week and I’ve had the most interesting experiences.
The Sunday I got it I felt so empowered and really inspired. I felt like I was making a statement to the world and nothing was going to get in my way of making sure that love was expressed no matter where I was or how I felt. My tattoo simply says “love.” Nothing more. Nothing less. And that’s exactly as I wanted it. I stared at it most of the day. Frankly it wasn’t hard to stare at as it was in my front of me all the time.

Monday I went to work. I hadn’t told anyone that I got a tattoo. It was such a personal thing that I didn’t really tell anyone I was getting it. I just got it. But going to work and out in public with such a statement on my arm for all to see felt so vulnerable. I was afraid, all of a sudden, of what people would think. I was afraid that they would not understand why I got it much less why it said love and nothing else. As more people at work saw the tattoo and it got out there what I had done, I felt like hiding in my office the rest of the day. I wanted everyone to be happy for me and glad that there was someone like me who was making sure that love was present everywhere. But I didn’t create that with everyone. For most…it was just a tattoo. It was just a marking on my arm…nothing more. But it meant so much to me to have this word etched on my skin!

I have been reading Neale Donald Walsch’s new book called The Only Thing That Matters.  The chapter that I was reading was saying something very interesting about the soul and how your mind can only hold so much of what the soul’s purpose is.  That’s why you get bits and pieces of what you are here for and remember things and think “how the hell did I forget that??”  The mind will only hold so much of your soul’s purpose…enough to keep you on track…so to speak.  Every once in a while I remember why I’m here…what my purpose is.  I’ve known for a long time that my sole purpose on this planet was to make sure that people get the love of their life.  I forget that though.  I forget it a lot…especially when I don’t love my own life from time to time.  The circumstances get so real that I get away from my purpose.  I start doing something else…surviving…trying to look good…or at the very least avoiding looking bad in most cases.  It’s a really hard way to live life when you know what you are here for and you aren’t doing it.  It’s especially hard in those moments when you realize that you are the one holding you back from doing it.  Which brings me back to my point of the mind can only hold so much of your soul’s purpose but you never really forget…it’s just not on your mind.  So I got this tattoo for the solo (soul) purpose of reminding me why I am here.  I am here to make sure that people get the they can have a life they love…that they can love the life they have and that its possible for everyone…even those who don’t think I should have that same right for my life.  Your soul doesn’t care about politics by the way…and if you aren’t doing your soul’s work, you’re going to feel it no matter what beliefs you have or what political party you belong to.

The tattoo is my reminder to my self.  Sure, it says something to others and gives them a peek into who I am.  I could have gotten a lot of things tattooed on my body.  Something as simple as love is a statement piece for me.  So many of my friends were surprised that I didn’t have an Apple tattoo done!  LOL!  I love Apple products so much that is a reasonable expectation to have!  But alas…maybe my next one.  What may or may not surprise people is that I actually did the tattoo in a font that Apple uses in their new iOS 6 operating system…so I’m never far from my Apple.  The font is called Avenir for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing.

So back to my week of love.  I’ve had moments when I’ve been so present to love that it made my eyes water and my heart swell up.  I’ve had all my same emotions that  I always have.  But now I wake up and I see love on my body and I’m reminded instantly who I am.  I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination…but I’m better than I’ve ever been.  If seeing my tattoo inspires someone to love or to at least stop doing the opposite of that, then my work is done.  If my seeing my tattoo makes me change the way I speak to a person that then has them be better to the people in their life, then my work is done.  If seeing love on my arm prevents me from flipping off a Houston driver, then my work is done.

So..what’s next?  Tomorrow makes a week with my new tattoo and I look forward to the next one.  What should go on the other arm?  That’s the next inquiry so my mind is free to take on more of my soul’s purpose and I can be reminded without having to forget for so long. Thanks for reading and I’ll check back in soon about this!

I took my new tattoo out for a run today and ran smack into an awesome demonstration of democracy.  I’m so grateful to live in this country.  This has been such a difficult election…it feels as if we are tearing ourselves apart with our differences.  But no matter how it turns out tomorrow there will be a peaceful continuance of The United States.  I’m hopeful that we will grow through all of this and that the next election won’t be as stressful on us all.  As an uninsured American due to pre-existing conditions I’m hopeful we continue on our current path.  As a gay American I’m hopeful we will continue on our current path and equality will come for all of us…not just some of us.  Hopeful that I will have the same set of rights that every American has.  Hopeful that we can put all behind us and get on with the business of  continuing our recovery from those awful years before when real economic uncertainty and fear of the future was in my thoughts every day.  I respect my friends across the voters booth who may tick the lever the other direction and Wednesday morning we can all get together and determine how to make sure this division stops between us.

God bless America.  God bless our planet.  God bless humanity.  And God bless our hearts and minds to be open and loving and compassionate toward each other.  Now get out there and VOTE!  Happy Election Day 2012

This weekend I got a tattoo. It is my first. I was really nervous about it but the dream I had the night before was so vivid with this word written on my body that I just had to get it done. I had remembered this part of a movie where they spoke of a Japanese man who wrote positive words like love, light, peace in bottles of water and let them set for a day or so. He also wrote on another set of bottled water negative words like hate, anger, fear, kill…also letting them set for a day or so. He looked at the water under the microscope and discovered that the water crystals had fundamentally changed. The positive words caused the water to have bright, distinctive, beautiful and structured crystals. The opposite was true for the negative words on water. The crystals were fragmented, discolored and jagged. You can read his studies on the link above. Pretty fascinating stuff. You can see a few of the photos of the water crystals at the end of this post.

So since we are made up of mostly water, it would stand to reason that the same principals would apply to the body as did for the bottled water. Thus, my tattoo was born.

I’ve gotten a lot of great comments and people have stopped me in the Starbucks to say how much they love it. It seems that reminding others of love works for everyone. If you are interested in getting a great tattoo, i can HIGHLY recommend Brendon AkaSye Perry. Look him up on Facebook. He’s a superb artist…and it was a real honor getting my first tattoo done by him. If you cant get a tattoo done by him, please send him thanks and appreciation and love for doing such a great job on mine! Thanks for reading and have a great day filled with love, light and laughter!

Harold

When I first heard the following statement I thought I was going to fall out of my chair. Seriously. It knocked me off my butt. The statement went something like this… Incomplete Work + A Really Good Excuse ≠ Complete Work.

I’m not going to write a lot about this since it is pretty self explanatory.  But I will say this… just SEEING this post it note rocks my world again.  I often think I’m doing complete work having a bunch of stuff I’m doing at the same time…none of it finished of course.

I don’t know about you…but a lot of the time when I’m working on stuff that involves a lot of work or thinking it really takes something to get it complete.  And by complete I actually mean that there is NOTHING left to do regarding what I’m working on.  Not “complete for now”.  Not “Complete until I get this or that”.  I mean complete and whole and not requiring further attention.  Some things are easy to complete.  They may just involve an answer to a question or a quick email.  But other things that require more time and/or effort I sometimes fool myself into thinking they are “complete” by offering a good excuse or two.

Then a really smart lady I knew said to me…”Harold, doing incomplete work, then offering me an excuse why you didn’t get it done doesn’t mean it’s complete.  So don’t kid yourself.”  Whoah!  She was so right.  So sitting in Starbucks today I looked at my folder of post-it notes and realized I’ve been hesitant to get started with the next note.  I’ve had all sorts of excuses for why I stopped writing.  I even had a friend say “I guess your project with your notes didn’t go as well as you’d hoped.”  Damnit.  I guess I deserved that.  I had suddenly stopped for no reason.  But it’s time to get back  in action.

It took me a while but I finally got it.  It’s been a little while since my last post and I’ve thought about posting something just about every day.  I know every blogger can relate.  You are on a roll, posting regularly and then all of a sudden you hit a wall.  It’s not a real wall.  It’s all in the mind.  But it sure feels real.  I listened to a podcast today from a fellow blogger and friend in which he spoke of letting go of the outcome.  And I finally got it.  I’ve been writing this blog and all the articles and posts about my Post-It Notes and got a little attached to getting good feedback and encouragement from others.  I loved it so much that every time I’d write a post I’d see people like it on FaceBook or send an email thanking me for what I wrote.  But those acknowledgements don’t come that often…and at some point I got a little sad about it.  I knew people were reading the blog.  But nobody was commenting or saying what difference it was making for them.  So I got all in my head and stopped writing.  The outcome of praise and acknowledgement became something I got attached to.  I needed it…to confirm that I was doing the right thing…to confirm that I was on the right path…that the writing I was doing is making a difference.  I got so attached to it that I forgot why I started this whole project to begin with!

So today I let go of being attached to that outcome.  I’m not saying I don’t love the acknowledgement.  I don’t think I’m ever going to not love that.  But I don’t have to write for it.  I can make a difference…which is all I really want to do in writing this blog.  I don’t lead seminars anymore.  I’m not really coaching people individually at the moment.  This is my outlet for making a difference before I explode from keeping it all in.  So I want to thank my friend Dean for saying what you said in your podcast today.  I can relate.  And so I’m free to write and be for my readers and not all stuck up on myself.  Thank you for reading everyone.  I sure love you.

I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and around me. All is well.

That’s a pretty radical thing…allowing your mind to do or be something. Mostly its our mind that dictates what we can or can’t do. But to actually say “I allow my mind…” is pretty bold. It supposes that you have that ability, first of all. Do you believe you have that ability? I read meditations all the time and I never bothered to think what they (the people who wrote them) were actually assuming…that I have some sort of control over my mind. I’m not talking about controlling what you are thinking or feeling. I’m actually looking into this whole thing of having the ability to allow my mind to relax and be at peace.

If you were to say to yourself “I allow my mind to relax and be at peace”, what is the first thought that comes to your mind immediately after that thought? For me the first thought that comes up is “yeah right!” Some who are more trained in the art of meditation than I will immediately go to a place in their mind where they are relaxed and at peace. Not me. I can’t even remember when my mind was relaxed, much less at peace! I think its possible and I’d like to feel that…especially in those moments when I need it most. So then, how do we access this “allowance” of your mind?

The definition of allow is to give (someone or something) permission to do something; to let have; give as one’s share; grant as one’s right; to take into consideration; to admit; acknowledge; concede. There’s a lot to work with here if we break this definition down a few different ways.

Giving your mind permission to relax and be at peace. That’s pretty interesting.
To let my mind have relaxation and peace. (Lord knows I want it!)
To admit, acknowledge or concede that my mind has permission to be relaxed and at peace and that I can give my mind the right to do that is pretty inspiring.

I don’t have any of the answers.  The point of this article is really to inquire. I think having the answer is a great disadvantage sometimes. For now I’ll just leave you with a question. Will you give your mind permission to relax and be at peace today? Clarity and harmony are within you and all is well. Enjoy your relaxation and your visit to Harmony….