a little hope, laughter and love

This morning I ate a big bowl of healthy cereal and added a ton of sugar to it because I just felt like it. I had already had a double espresso with three teaspoons of sugar…one for each shot plus an extra to sweeten. I know when this all started back was when, just before the holidays started, I ate a bowl of cereal that I didn’t measure with my measuring cup. I knew what a portion size was, but I was in a hurry and quite honestly didn’t care. It was just before Thanksgiving. We had just moved into the new place and still unpacking boxes. There were a ton of excuses I made…pick any of them and they would have been valid. The point being that in that moment I decided to not honor my word with my diet and thus began a slippery slope.

Thanksgiving came…I ate a good amount of all sorts of stuff and more. It was Thanksgiving after all and everyone was doing it. I’d get back on after the holiday. But then the holiday parties started. I’m a caterer and I had parties just about every day of the month…more excuses. And so it went on and on. I had slowly gained back 10 pounds of the 30+ pounds I had lost and it didn’t take much time for me to regret throwing out the fat clothes. The pants I was so proud to buy, didn’t fit. The partner’s jeans still fit, but barely. The cute shorts I bought…not so cute anymore.

Until today. I’ve been seriously wondering what happened to my momentum…I was doing so great, feeling amazing and clean, but all of that possibility and freedom and determination was out the window. My long slide down the integrity slide had reached bottom again. Luckily…I haven’t gained back all 30 pounds I’d lost over the summer. I was walking in the grocery store today and something hit me. I suddenly remembered all the good foods I ate over the summer. I remembered the healthy snacks. I remembered the portion sizes. It all came back to me and I was stunned. I was stunned that I hadn’t remembered until then. Where had it been all this time? None of it mattered…it was all right there in front of me. The grace of a Higher Power or something had swept upon me and I remembered. For today…I remembered that it was all about nutrition.

The shopping I did today was pretty awesome. I have clean foods that I enjoy and that work well with my body. I have enough to prepare my snacks for each day and I feel empowered again. So for today I got some power with my health and that makes this a great day.

Today was a great day.

When I heard about The Color Run earlier this year I thought it was just a cool thing to do, but I couldn’t see myself running the whole way or doing it all the way. It is a 5K run, which I’ve done before, but its been such a long time since I’ve run that length all at one time. I really got inspired by the videos on their website so I hopped on The Color Run bandwagon. And boy am I glad I did. That was the best time ever!

All the colors were amazing. All of the people were amazing. The experience of participating was awesome, all the way from registration to the finish line. Here are a few shots of the day along with some video I shot of my experience. It was really awesome. If you get a chance to participate in your city DO IT! Even if you walk it all the way from beginning to end, you gotta experience it. The crowd will inspire you. If you have kids bring them, they will love it. Bring a towel for the drive home and arrive early to really get the whole experience. It rained in the morning here in Houston, but it quickly passed and it turned out to be awesome and brilliant.

I will say that it takes some scrubbing to get all the color off…more than I anticipated. I was blue in parts that I probably shouldn’t have been for longer than I should have been. But it was like a badge of honor to walk around town and show off my colors! I really want to thank The Color Run staff for providing such an awesome experience. You guys were awesome from the beginning to end and it made it all the more special for each and every participant…all 10,000 of us in Houston. Until next time…

Well…I haven’t been in the 220′s for about 10 years.  The last time I remember being this light was just after September 11th happened. At that time I was 225…and that was the heaviest I’d ever been.  I don’t know how I got to 265 since that time…but for sure it was 1 pound at a time.  So, working out and diet always comes down to be the answer.  Lord knows I held out for my doctor to give me that secret pill that they hide and never share.  It’s cool though…I can own my weight loss.  It’s only been 4 months and when I lose 2 more pounds by Sunday (I can sort of tell it’s going to happen) I’ll be at 225 and will have lost 40 pounds.  That’s almost 10 pounds a month.  How the heck did that happen??

I started thinking last night…what the hell am I gonna do when I get to an ideal weight?  Will I have the willpower and courage to maintain it?  People have already sort of gotten used to me being lighter and I’m certainly not obsessing over my weight.  But I’ve never been able to hold it off for long.  But something feels different this time.  This feels like a lifestyle change for sure.  I’m happy with my health…and am getting better every day.  I’ve gone from taking a 300mg blood pressure medication to a 10mg one…my blood pressure is textbook perfect now.  I’ll keep you posted on how I continue to do.  I appreciate all the love and support during my whiney times and my bitching.  I can’t promise I won’t do it again…but at least I’m lighter for getting it all out and getting back on track.

All the Google searches lead you to websites that have blocked content for America for the Opening Ceremonies. Jeez…Just a peek was all I was asking for!

I learned a couple of things about myself and my body this week. First off, I quit the fitness challenge that I had started a couple of weeks ago. I felt like such a failure. There were a lot of things that weren’t working about it. I was frustrated at my lack of results, annoyed that I was confused about what the problem was, and suffering a loss of confidence in what I wanted to accomplish. Before this challenge and before I started the training at the gym, I didn’t really care about my weight. I liked the way I looked and I was comfortable in my own skin. I had JUST gotten comfortable declaring I was a Bear. (For those not in the know…a Bear is a gay man who is larger than the average bear, moderately to severely hairy, and overall a man’s man.) I was a Bear and I was proud to be one…grrr.

But then I started losing weight. All of a sudden I was looking better and feeling better about myself. It’s not that I wasn’t already feeling that way, it’s just it was a new feeling…something I hadn’t felt in a long time…attractive. I know it’s silly to say this because I do know I’m not an ugly man, but feeling attractive was a whole other experience. And, in the past, feeling attractive was dangerous. It meant I would be tempted by other attractive men, or men who were attracted to me. It meant having feelings. I hate that. Feelings really mess me up because often I don’t know WHAT the feeling is I’m feeling…it’s like I’m so dumb in that area of life!

So here I am at 240lbs for the second week in a row. I’ve quit the fitness challenge and, thought I’m upset about that, I feel somewhat confident that this lifestyle change would stick…finally! I discovered that the recipes on the challenge were a little more complicated than what I was expecting. So I stuck with the couple that I, or my partner, could prepare. I was drinking a peach smoothie in the morning (chock full of flax), Chicken Salad with 4 cups of mixed greens, Wasa crackers for snacks and Sloppy Joes made with turkey and non-salt tomato sauce. No problems…I love all of these things. But I was totally STUFFED AND STOPPED UP. I’d sit on the toilet for 20 minutes at a time and nothing! Occasionally I’d have a bowel movement, but for the most part I was carrying it all around with me all week. (I know this is gross…but I need to share so that everyone who’s ever had to deal with this or is dealing with it understands all of this!)

After I quit, I ate some stuff off the plan and my stomach got a little upset. In no time at all, I was already feeling lighter…if you get my drift. I had already been drinking a lot of water, so drinking an espresso was a shock to my body. It turned out to be a good shock. Just for shits and giggles (kidding) I thought I’d weigh myself. 237 pounds. What the hell? All this time I had unknowingly been constipated. My body was trying to tell me something…but I wasn’t listening. Not listening to my body isn’t a new development. I’ve been ‘not listening’ for a long time and I have mucho experience with it! But this time felt different…I actually wanted to hear what it was trying to tell me. That was a major development!

While talking to my trainer, he was asking me about my heart rate while exercising. Surely my heart rate was high enough…I was walking 14-15 minute miles around Memorial Park nearly every day. I must be doing something right! I was out there exercising! Surely that must count for SOMETHING!! So I went and bought a heart rate monitor that straps across the chest with a watch. After 30 minutes of walking briskly, I looked at my heart rate and it wasn’t going over 107-109. I didn’t understand it. I was soaking wet when coming home after these walks…I was exhausted. But, I wasn’t near the heart rate I needed to be at to lose anymore weight. The only way I’m going to get there is to jog/run. I’m seriously scared to run again. In the past I was actually really good at it. I had fantastic results when I was running many years ago and I felt great. I don’t know why I’m afraid. I just feel it. It may not be fear…maybe it’s something else?

So now I’m here on Sunday and I’m at 240 still. I now know that I’m going to have to ramp up my cardio if I’m going to move past this plateau. I’ve got the nutrition in place. I’ve got the working out in place. I’ve got support from awesome friends and family. I think I can do this. I’ll keep you posted this week on FaceBook as I take on this new level of my development. I may need some help in getting started so if you have any recommendations and/or encouragement. Mostly I need those two things and at different times. Sometimes the recommendations work. Sometimes the encouragement does the trick. Sometimes just telling me I look hot will work! Thank you for everything and for your support and love! Here’s to another week!